Do you find yourself always putting others first, to the detriment of your own needs? Do you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to upset anyone? If so, you might be a people pleaser, like I was. A tendency to people please forms in childhood, as a survival mechanism, a way to avoid trauma or pain. It serves us well as children but needs to be addressed as adults . So what are the pitfalls of being a "good person", and how do we break free from the chains of people pleasing?
You are not the Saviour!
People pleasers tend to have difficulty asserting themselves, and often end up in relationships with manipulative or controlling people. They often stay in these relationships because they feel like it is their duty to "save" the other person, even if that means sacrificing their own happiness. Enter your classic martyr archetype!
"Martyrs" are always putting others first, to their own detriment. They are often on edge, trying not to upset anyone. It has taken me many years to learn that the problem with this is that not only is it not sustainable, it's not healthy. It's important to be able to assert your needs, and to find relationships with people who will do the same.
When I looked deeply at this side of myself I realised that it's actually quite arrogant, it implies that the other person is not capable of taking care of themselves. It can also leave the recipient of your "goodness" feeling inadequate and powerless, it's difficult to go up against someone so virtuous! So if you find yourself in a relationship where you are constantly walking on eggshells, or feeling like you can't be yourself, it might be time to look into this shadow.
You're Virtue is a Mask
Another pitfall of being a "good person" is that it can be used as a shield, to avoid looking at our own shadow side. We might stay in relationships that are not good for us, or put up with behaviour that we would never tolerate from others, because we think it's part of our "virtuous" character. This can be a form of self-righteousness, and it's not helpful for anyone.
When we are caught up in people pleasing, we are not living from our true power or voice. We might stay small and safe, instead of asserting our own needs. We might avoid conflict at all costs, even if that means sacrificing our own happiness.
So if you find yourself in a situation where you are not being true to yourself, it might be time to do some shadow work and get to the root of why that is. Only then can you start living from our authentic power.
People pleasers often have difficulty identifying and expressing their own needs and boundaries. They tend to wear a "mask" of perfection, always trying to appear put together and happy. This can be exhausting, and ultimately leads to resentment. When we try to be everything to everyone, we end up losing sight of who we are. We become afraid to show our true selves, for fear of being rejected. So how do we break free from this cycle?
Doing the Shadow Work
If you're not familiar with the term "shadow work", it basically means doing the work to understand and heal the parts of yourself that have been disowned, that you are not seeing and accepting. This can be a difficult and painful process, but it is so worth it to get to the other side.
By reading this i'll presume you have taken the first step by recognising that you are a people pleaser. Next you can start by working on building up your confidence and self-worth. Start by setting small boundaries with people in your life. Say no to things that you don't want to do, without feeling guilty. Put yourself first, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect!
If you are in a relationship with someone who is manipulative or controlling, it's important to understand why you are attracted to that person. This can be a difficult shadow to face.
Free Yourself
If you're struggling to break free from the chains of people pleasing, know that you are not alone. This is a very common issue, and one that can take time and practice to overcome. You deserve to be happy and to live your life on your own terms. So go out there and start asserting your needs! The world needs your authenticity.
When we let go of the need to please others, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. We no longer have to sacrifice our own happiness or put up with manipulative and selfish people. Instead, we can assert our own power and authority and start living our best life!
I encourage you to explore all the different aspects of your identity. Who are you if you are not this "good person"? What are you passionate about? What do you want to achieve in life? Answering these questions can help you get in touch with your true self and start living a life that is authentic and fulfilling.
Focus on taking care of yourself and living your best life. The people who truly matter will see the good in you and will appreciate you for who you are, not for what you can do for them.
EFT is an excellent tool for exploring your shadows. Either as a self help tool or one on one with a practitioner for deeper clearing.
What are your thoughts on people pleasing? Have you struggled with this issue in the past?
Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
Thanks for reading! :)
Big Love Mel
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